It is one of the famous Malay’s idioms that I’ve learned. It carries a deep meaning behind it. It asks us to think carefully before say anything.I have never taken the idiom so seriously until the past few days.

Two years ago, I have said a harsh word to one of my dearest person. I didn’t intend to say so. It was a slip of tongue. I was emotionally unstable during that time. I knew she cares. But I simply did not want to believe it. I was afraid that she is just the same like FMA. Saying okay at first, but abandoned me later. So, I wanted to test her. I wanted to know how she would response after hearing those words. I don’t really remember her answer, but she was quite upset and annoyed.

Two days ago, I met her. I did not remember the incident at all until up to one moment when our conversation led to it. I never knew that those words hurt her so much. When she mentioned about it, I felt so bad. All of sudden, I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. I was so ashamed of myself that I don’t think I have a gut to face her again.

I regret it so much. Sadly, nothing could undo my mistakes. No matter what, I could not turn back the time neither erase those hurtful words from her memory. The only thing that I could do is merely to ask for forgiveness. However, I don’t think it is enough to cover for it. I wish I could at least heal her hurtful feeling… Huhuhu…

Now when I think about it, I could not believe that I said those words to her. How could I say it to her when she was so kind to me? Despite everything she did for me, how could I hurt her feeling? She didn’t do anything wrong. All she did was just care for me. Just because FMA ditched me, it didn’t mean that she would do the same. Argh…, I felt so awful and guilty!!!

p/s: Dear Cikgu RD, I’m sorry… I’m really sorry… I hope you can forgive me…

When it comes to money, don’t be too calculative. It is true that the husband is the one whom should give the money to his wife. But, it is only applicable for a wife who doesn’t earn any money, a housewife…

Why is the reason the husband allow the wife to work in the 1st place? The answer is to increase the household income, isn’t it… So, the working wife should also contribute for the spent… Don’t let the husband pay for everything… The wife should also help. Especially when both of your income are almost the same or the husband earns less than the wife.

Don’t be too calculative because it will become the source of fighthing and quarrelling. For the sake of marrital harmony, tolerate each other. The wife will never loss anything. In fact the husband will feel very grateful and appreciate the wife better. Share the money like you want the husband to share the chores.

Nevertheless, if the husband earns more than the wife, then you can let the husband pay for everything. But, it is never wrong if you pay once a while, right?

And when you pay for the spent, don’t let the husband take the advantage on you. Don’t pay for everything. The husband is the head, so he is the one who should take the lead. The wife is there to help.

p/s:Final words from Dr Nora – An advice for young couple

Last week, I went to matric to visit my lecturers. I went there twice, before going to Sabah and after coming back from Sabah. Actually, my true plan was to visit them before going to Sabah. However, I didn’t get to see Mdm Zahala since she had EL because her daughter was sick. So, she told me to go and see her after coming back from Sabah. Since I didn’t have other plan, I agreed.

I met Mdm Fariza twice. Apparently, she didn’t change at all. Still looked young. Got to attain the secret from her… Hehehe… We talked a lots. She told me her ‘secret’. Whenever she dissected a rat with us, she was acting strong whereas in reality she was scared. When I heard her, I smiled. She is a gentle and softhearted type of person, so no wonder if she is scared because that is how she is. Oh ya.., she reminds me toward Dr Ailin. When I talked to her, I didn’t feel any gaps between us. She makes me feel like a friend. I’m lucky that I met her.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I met Mdm FMA too. Honestly, if possible I don’t want to meet her because I don’t want to be reminded of the past. But at the same time, I also want to know how’s she doing. So, actually I felt grateful that I met her. I have a lots of people supporting me now, so it’s okay. I’m happy that I don’t have any grudge feeling toward her. I don’t want to look back. Whatever it is, she was my lecturer and she had been good to me once before.

As for the second time, I went there alone. I think I was lucky since I got the chance to meet Bro Suhaimi who came for part time work after his retirement. I also met Bro Mahathir. He looks old, but he is still happy go lucky like before. They were very happy seeing their ex-student coming and visiting them. I think they felt proud that their student finally graduated. Seeing the smiles on their face, I felt happy too. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a picture with them… Huhuhu…

This time I met Mdm Zahala, of course. She looks thinner and older. Probably because of too many things to handle with 2 small kids. We had our lunch together and had a lots of chit chat. Luckily, I got a gift from her. A long sleeve shirt. I’m so touched. Never expect that I would get the gift from the lecturer. She will always be in my heart. Although I didn’t get a chance to meet Tina, Sara & Zafran, but insya-Allah we will meet later…

p/s: Mdm & sir, thank you so much for all your kindness and support… I’m so lucky to have all of u besides me… =)

Yesterday

I just come back from Dr Ziana’s house. Initially, I just want to give her blazer back. Somehow it turns out to be a dinner invitation. She say she just want to cook something simple, yet she cooks ‘Tomyam’, ‘Ketam masak merah’ & ‘ Ikan 3 rasa’. Truly, I feel it is special rather than simple. Hehehe… It is delicious especially ‘Ikan 3 rasa’.

She asks me to invite about 15 persons, yet more than 20 persons come. So, the food is not enough and each of us only able to eat a small portion of it. I only get to eat the food that she bought outside whenever I went to her house. So, I really want to taste her home made cooking at least once. I’m lucky that I finally get the chance. Therefore, eventhough the foods are not enough, I don’t really mind.

I always want to tell others how nice and kind Dr Ziana is. Other than telling them, I want my friends to see it by their own eyes. After the dinner, one of my friends tells me that it is her first time seeing the true Dr Ziana. She is a bit surprised. She never knew that Dr Ziana is so friendly and talkative. During the class, she is serious, thus probably people may think that she is difficult to approach. However, the truth is, she is very kind and soft-hearted. And, she is always think of her students. I’m so glad they know who is she before we graduate.

p/s: Dr, thank you for the dinner. Don’t worry too much about the ‘not enough’ food. You can always invite us again next time to compensate for it. Hehehe….

Today, I get the result of my professional exam. Initially, I think that I’m going to fail because I could not perform well during my short case especially my 3rd case. But, Alhamdulillah, Allah is the Most Great and the Most Gracious, I pass the exam. At 12.30 noon in LH 3, Dr Naznin has announced the list name of students who passed the exam and one of them is ME.

I immediately call Walid to inform him the great news. I know that he will be the happiest person in this world. He has yearned for it so much…, probably much more than me. It is his hope, dream, and desire for a such long time.

p/s: To Walid, this is my GIFT for you. I wish Ma is also here with us to enjoy this great news.

After the annoucement, we congratulate each other. During this time, I start to cry along with my friend. It is not a cry of sadness, but a cry of joy. Seven years…, it is a very long period of time… We have been through a lots of hardships and challenges to eventually arrive at our final destination today.

p/s: To all my fellow friends, CONGRATULATION…. Finally, all of our efforts have been paid off. May all of us be a safe and good Muslim doctor.

I want to see Dr Ziana and Dr Nora immediately after the annoucement, but I couldn’t. I’m afraid that I could not stop crying in front of them. They are the 2nd person whom I want to share this joy after my dad. Both of them are very helpful to me. They care and concern about me so much. Eventhough, I always bother them, they never complaint or show any resentment. Instead, they always stand by my side.

p/s: To Dr Ziana, thank you so much for “accepting” me and to Dr Nora, thank you so much for “forgiving” me. I feel very GRATEFUL to both of you for your love, kindness and endless support. I’m going to miss both of you so much.

At 2 p.m.

Since my perception toward her changed, I’ve been thinking almost every day of asking for a forgiveness from her. Whenever I saw her, I felt very guilty. So, I really need to do so before I graduate, or else I will regret it. But…, I really don’t know how to ask a forgiveness from her. I’m really bad at expressing my own feeling. Today is the last chance. I’m going to do it today.

At 4 p.m.

Hmm…, I apologized to her 3 times, yet she didn’t even once say that she forgive me. I wonder, did she forgive of me or not? I really hope that she wouldn’t be hurt so much with what I said before. I was really childish back then, I’m sorry… Now, my perception has totally change. She is a very good person.

At 8 p.m.

She called me. I was so surprised. When she first asked me whether I’ve ate or not, I thought she is going to invite me to her house for food again. I never thought that she would call me just to tell me that she actually has nothing to forgive me. According to her, I didn’t do anything wrong. She actually noticed that she didn’t say anything about forgiving me when I asked for it this evening. It seem as if she knew what is in my mind. She worried that I might think too much about it, hence she called. I’m so happy. I feel so grateful and I appreciate her call so much. Really…, she is a very good person. I’m glad that I know her better now.

When I was in 3rd year, my senior told me that if you want to draw blood from male patient, better use green needle. They have larger blood vessel as compared to female. So, it is easier to use green needle. Besides, they are guy, they can withstand the pain. So,  I just followed their advice. I don’t really care about it. As long as I can draw the blood, it’s ok.

A few days ago, I saw one of my colleague drew blood from a patient using a blue needle. At first, I want to told him that using a green needle is better. Nevertheless, I didn’t. After he drew the blood, the patient smile to him. He told him that he didn’t feel pain at all, thus he was so happy. I was suprised listening to what he said. I never really care about it before. The next day, I tried to use the blue needle when drew the blood from the patient and I experienced the same thing of what my colleague went through. It felt so good.

Truthfully, the patient will appreciate us so much  when we try to help reducing their pain. In the process of reducing the pain, they will appreciate us much more if we don’t induce other pain to them. It is probably a small matter. But, if we are a patient, it is a blessing to us, right?

Last night I had a dream. It was a dream about professional exam which was brought forward ad hoc. The lecturers did not inform us earlier and suddenly there was an annoucement that the professional exam was going to be held immediately. Once I heard the announcement, I started to have palpitation. I got PTB case for my long case. I was able to gave a good history and physical examination. But, when the discussion arrived at the management, I got stucked. I was unable to remember any of the anti-TB except isoniazide. When the examiner asked further about the side effect of the drugs, I started to become panic and speechless. Then, I woke up from the dream.

After a while, I fall asleep again. Unfortunately the dream continued. These time the dream proceeded to the short cases. I got O&G, surgical and orthopaedic cases. I was able to perform in O&G and surgical, but not in orthopaedic. These added up to my myseries that I started to cry. I felt so frustrated and helpless. I regretted it so much that I was not prepared and always played around. Suddenly I remembered what Dr NAW told me that Muslim never make the same mistake twice. While crying, I then woke up from the sleep again.

The dream bothered me so much that I kept on waking up after that. It was so scary because I felt as if it was a real experience. Furthermore, it reminds me so much of how unprepared I am. But, do I still have the time to catch up?

Once it started to drop, it keeps on flowing away like a rain falling down. I just could not stop. Nevetheless, as it flows, it sucks out my sadness along with it. Argh…, it is very relieving. It is the best remedial when I feel so helpless. However, it also has a side effect in which the head started to aching after it. The only antidote is to get some sleep, which I’m going to do after this.

Hmm…, actually I want to sms her. But I don’t know what to write down. I don’t have any idea to use as a trigger or reason for a conversation. Or, should I just tell her directly that, “I’m sad”? I wonder what would she reply. Do I really have to bother her? I always have this kind of doubt or hesitancy. To tell the truth, I’m afraid that I would become a disturbance to her…