At first, I hesitated. For the whole week, I kept on thinking whether should I go and see her or not. When I felt sad and depressed, I really wanted to see her. But, after I felt better, I thought I should not do so. Because I afraid the same incident would be repeated although I did not even had a bit of suspicious feeling toward her. It is just I am ‘phobia’.
Furthermore, I am afraid that I would burden her and cause her a problem. I afraid that I would depend or rely on her like what that person told to me before. “You rely on me, you depend on me”. Those sentences kept on bugging in my head whenever I become closer to someone. Because of the sentences, I do not believe on my own self anymore. Truthfully, I am scared… I am really scared…
Nevertheless, after 6 years, she is the first person whom could open my heart. She is the only one whom I could talk to. And she is the first person whom I could trust. So, if I don’t see her this time, I won’t be able to do so in the future. I have to overcome my fears. I have to change. Or else…, I would stuck in this conflict forever.
Lagi 2 hari sesi persekolahan akan bermula semula. Bile tgk org sibuk2 shopping pakaian sekolah kat shopping complex, teringat plak aku masa tahun lepas. waktu camni gak la aku turun padang shopping dgn adik2. Susah jgk nak beli persiapan sekolah ni. Byk benda yg nak kena beli. Baju, kasut, alat tulis, dll. Nasib baik la ada Mydin, tak yah la aku pusing bandar. Hehehe…
Disebabkan tak tahu size baju diorg, maka terpaksa la aku angkut mereka semua ke Mydin. Hmm…., mcm mana la Ma boleh ingat size baju kitorg semua ye… Time nak beli baju pun satu hal jgk. Punya la lama. Mana taknya, org tak pernah beli baju sebelum ni. Mana la tahu kain mana yg elok. Walaupun kena berjimat, kalo boleh aku tak nak la beli yg murah sangat. Kesian adik2 tak selesa. Lagipun diorg nak pakai lama. Apa salahnya beli yg mahal skit agar tahan lama.
Masa nak beli kasut lain plak kisahnya. Almaklum je la, adik2 ku ni kecil molek belaka. Maka susah la skit nak cari kasut size diorg. Tu la diorg ni, susah sgt nak makan nasi. Waktu cari kasut tu, Fatin hampir menangis bile kitorg tak nak belikan kasut utk dia. Bukannya tak nak beli, tp kasut lama elok lagi. Tp, bile tahu yg dia pakai kasut kakak selama ni, maka aku pun jadi lembut hati gak. Apatah lagi bile suara dia pun berubah jadi sebak. Takut gak kot2 dia terasa plak yg Ma takde.
Nway, bile pikir betul2, apa salahnya berbelanja skit utk diorg. Lagipun result diorg pun bagus. Anggap aje la sbg hadiah kejayaan diorg. Lagipun setahun sekali je. Tahun ni, aku tak pegi shopping dgn diorg. Rasa bersalah sgt. Walaupun penat, sebenarnya shopping dgn diorg tu satu nikmat. Agaknya itulah yg dikatakan nikmat berbuat kebajikan pd anak yatim walaupun diorg itu adik2 ku. Sebenarnya setiap kali aku tgk diorg, aku rasa kesian. Kalo boleh, aku tak nak diorg rasa kekurangan.
p/s: Kpd Kakak, Fatin, Amin, & Faiz, K. Ngah minta maaf coz tak dapat temankan korg shopping tahun ni. Nway, selamat memulakan alam persekolahan kembali. Study smart. Semoga korg berjaya dunia dan akhirat.
