Ah…, I’m scared. I’m so scared. I’m really scared. I couldn’t sleep for the whole night. It is not only difficult to initiate the sleep, I also keep on waking intermittently. Sometimes, I end up waking so early in the morning, but could never go back to sleep afterward. It is so distressing and bothersome. What’s more, it is tiring. At times, when it so troublesome, I end up crying.

It is always like this whenever I need to do some tasks either presenting a CP, short case, seminar, CPC or having an exam. It is normal to feel nervous when I facing the exam because everybody does feel so. But, to feel so much fear just because of CP and short cases, why is that so? It is not something new. I’ve gone through it a lots when I was in year 3 and 4, yet I still feel nervous. Furthermore, there are so many CP, short cases and seminars. So, how would I survive if I feel scared every single time of it?

Previously when I was in matric, I also get scared when I went to see a lecturer to ask question. Doesn’t matter how closed I was with the lecturer, I still felt scared. But, the fear was not so intense, it was just a nervous feeling. It didn’t disturb my sleep at all. And I always able to overcome it. But as I entered this faculty, the level of fear keep on increasing especially during clinical year. It is so much so that I also have muscle twitching, increased frequency and dry mouth.

I wonder why is this happened. Is it because my self-esteem and self-confidence getting lower and lower? If it is so, is it because I was not well prepared and had not enough practice? Ah, I hate myself so much when I feel so scared over a trivial matter like this. How would I survive if something crucial happen later?

p/s: I start to wonder whether am I suited to be a doctor or not.